...well ok when it comes to certain things. Namely people and feelings.
Yesterday we read a book about a few kids who were being terribly unkind to another girl in their class and yet at the end the girl who was made fun of extended kindness to the girls allowing them to pass a test they would not have without her help. So it apparently got Hannah thinkin. She asked why on the last page the girl "Yoko" was not standing with the other two girls when they all got along at the end. So I explained that Yoko had extended kindness to the two girls even though they were mean, but it did not mean they had to all be best friends. I also explained, that it's like we've learned in Sunday School etc...that we don't have to like someone or what they do, but Jesus asks us to extend love and kindness even to those who do us wrong or that we are even angry with. Well...this brought up a situation. A past situation mind you...but Hannah really internalizes things. She does not forget, and I'm not joking.
A little over a year ago someone she loved IMMENSELY and trusted really let her down...he hurt someone else she loves incredibly. I remember being angry when during one conversation with him on how to handle things if Hannah came across him, this particular person told me "She'll get over it. Kids are resilient." And my initial reaction was to shoot back "Oh resilient huh? Just like you got over all that happened in your childhood ya mean?" Now...I didn't. That wouldn't have been nice. But if he's by chance reading this...well...now you know what I wanted to say but didn't.
Truth is...kids can be resilient...however, I think we mistake their quietness and silence for lack of caring in a situation. It may appear it does not phase them, but oh it does. Their little hearts hurt. The pain and confusion are there...I think they just don't know how to articulate it most often. I know that this event greatly disturbed Hannah. For months after she would cry about the fact that this person was no longer in our lives. She cried because she didn't understand how someone could be so mean and hurtful toward someone else. She would ask if we could pray for him even if we didn't talk to him anymore. And at one point earlier this year I finally snapped and asked if we could PLEASE stop talking about him. ....And she did. But I know she didn't forget...because he came back up yesterday. She is obviously not as hurt...she is more matter of fact over it all. But it is obvious she is still dismayed and still has questions. And so, we sat and chatted about it all over again because I don't ever want her to feel she can't ask me something or come to me with her questions or hurts or anxieties. I want her to know if she asks me I'll be honest and open as I can.
But it didn't end there. She asks after we discussed this particular situation and how it's weird that someone we once thought we knew so well we do not anymore. And then she asked me if there was anyone else in my life that I don't like but I try to love or try to be kind to. Oh my. Deep breaths. "Yup." I said. ....."Like who?" she asks. So I try explaining names aren't necessary. This does not work. She tells me she is curious because it's a very hard thing to be nice when someone hasn't been or has hurt someone you love. I try skirting it...avoiding it...changing subjects....and finally I decided to just be honest. I gave her a name. It's not a big deal. Nothing I've said was out of a mean or haughty spirit. I did not say it in hopes that she would join me in my dislike for the persons. I just told her, there will always be people we struggle being around because of things they've done, or because they continue to make bad choices and be hurtful or because we don't think they are being truthful with us. But it doesn't mean we have to be mean and rude. We can be honest, but we still need to be kind. Well, that was that. She seemed just fine with that and we discussed a few more things on kindness and moved on.
Later as I was talking to Adam about our conversation, I told him the conversations were going to get crazier if she was already that intense at almost 4! I do want our kids to know though, that nothing is off limits. I think it's good to talk about things that come up, even when it's about specific people or it might seem uncomfortable, because if they aren't getting the open and honest answers from us....who might they be getting them from? Family should be a safe place to discuss things...even if it means they are hard to talk about and address, or uncomfortable to talk about. If Hannah or Abby have specific problems I want them to be able to come to us and say so, or ask the questions that surround a situation. Sometimes it's not fun to discuss something or someone. But the truth is, I think we all become a lot stronger when we can put that aside in our families, discuss, and be honest but kind.
*How far you go in life depends on your being tender with the young, compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with the striving and tolerant of the weak and strong. Because someday in your life you will have been all of these. ~George Washington Carver
*Truth fears no questions. ~Unknown
